I’ve had writer’s block – but not the usual kind. Normally when I’ve had writer’s block, I can’t think of anything to write, and whatever comes out seems more the output of a runny nose than a brain at work. This time, though, I’ve had too many thoughts of what to write – and in the face of all these options, I’ve been paralyzed. I’ve come to really love this blog, and as with most things I love, I have come to take it too seriously, and worry about its identity, its purpose . . .
When you start to ask ontological questions of your damned blog, you know you’re in trouble.
I’d like to just move forward, but I feel like I’m caught in a hall of mirrors. I want to write about myself, but fear being too personal; I want to write about work, but fear being too detached; I want to write about my ideas, but fear being too heady; I want to write about my activities, but fear being too literal. In short, in this blog, as in life, a mixture of fear, imbalance, self-consciousness, and being a magpie is making it hard for me to just do, without worrying about the direction in which I am (mis?)leading this project.
Add to this the fact that ever since my post about animals, intuition, and bringing a little more heart into the activities of my head, I’ve been in input mode; I want to read, observe, take note, read more, watch, and absorb at the moment, and I’m finding output incredibly difficult.
In the past, my response to this would have been to grit my teeth and just do it, churn something out each day whether or not I liked it, because “the practice and routine and discipline are what’s most important.” It would feel somewhat like squeezing a stubborn pimple. In public. Uncomfortable, done in the hopes of clearing some clogged emotional pore, but instead of purging it just leaves a pink splotch and a bigger problem than that with which I started.
I do think that keeping habits is incredibly important – and so I will keep my promise to myself to write every day. I take that seriously – but I need to take myself, and this assignment I’ve doled out to moi-même – a little less so. I’m going to go off to a “writer’s retreat” (metaphorically speaking – although I would love one day to be doing this at a ranch in Arizona or on a terrace in Buenos Aires!) to write about Civicization, by myself, for the next week, to give myself a chance to get the wheels turning and enjoy writing again – since really, at the end of the day, isn’t that what this is really all about?
I look forward to sharing my adventures and thoughts with you starting February 4th – have a great week until then!